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Poor Mr. Bingley had the unfortunate luck to have previously been owned by a gentleman who was tortured to death when he refused to tell his one time confederates where he had hidden the money from the bank heist. These were the words which were shouted over and over again before the death of Mr. Bingley's previous people:

"Concentrate! Tell me where you hid the money!" escalated into: "don't make me torture you. I learned torture from the Germans."

When that failed, one torturer said to the other, "pull off the arm, but do it gently, like Andre the Giant." This was followed shortly thereafter by the exclamation, "Gross!"

The torturer had an unfortunate speech impediment, and when all else failed, he instructed his confederates to "bring in the wizards," by which he actually meant, "bring in the lizards." The lizards were a pair of Komodo Dragons who were intended to intimidate the poor owner of Mr. Bingley, but unfortunately, the lizards had misunderstood their brief and devoured him.

Poor Mr. Bingley lives in fear that some day these German torture techniques, such as might be employed by Andre the Giant in an attempt to get someone to concentrate will bring the gross "wizards" to his new home, which he is deeply dedicated to defending, regardless of the cost or the weather.

Mr. Bingley lived a secret life. He was a spy dog enlisted by the Ally forces to eavesdrop on the doings of Germany and their experiments with giants. He gets very upset when the Germans are mentioned, and as a direct result of the effeminant German wicken scientist who conducted the experiments shouting "Gross!!" when he tasted his first attempt at an remedy consisting of concentrated vinegar, syrup and horse radish to cure Andre the Giant's cold. (Andre was held captive and he was used as a guinea pig for using German Folk Music as a tool of torture for the uninitiated.) The elixr was switched by another spy to a poison that, if consumed, would kill Andre - but before he was able to pass the message along, the dog was kidnapped and put up for adoption.

Mr. Bingley was never able to pass his message along to Andre or the Allies - so any time that anyone mentinos a clue to the tragic plot he had witnessed as it was unfolding, he gets quite excited and hopes to coax the rest of the story out of the speaker.

Feel better soon - try a teaspoon of honey and a teaspoon of vinegar - together... at the same time - it'll help open up your breathing passages :

Mr. Bingley was born in rainy Paris.
He was adopted by an American couple with a small child named Eloise.
They were of German descent and were quite proud of it. They always attended the local German festivals and spoke German at home to each other. Mr. Bingley was surrounded by German culture and began to equate it with good.
They were also overbearing parents who always dictated to their small child, Eloise, "Concentrate!"
They had good intentions, of course, but the pressure often caused Eloise to start crying. And so whenever she began crying, Mr. Bingley snuggled up to her and licked her. Then she smiled and finished her math work, which invariably had esoteric terms such as "gross," meaning 144 of something. This confused Eloise. How can a number be disgusting?
Eloise liked to read a lot. Once she read a book about wizards and talked about it for days. She read while the TV always had Andre the Giant on for some odd reason. But she didn't watch TV.
Mr. Bingley ran away one day when it was dark and he couldn't find his way back home. But he does like his new home too.

Once upon a time (as all stories need to start that way), there was a little person (therefore, under 4'8) who lived a somewhat sad life. As this person was always sad, he watched a lot of funny movies. Two of his favorites were The Princess Bride and Top Secret.

The little man loved Top Secret for many reasons,and for unknown reasons he always excitedly jumped up and clapped his hands at scene where Nick Rivers was learning German from a record in route to east Germany. His favorite line was: "Die Sauerkraut ist in mein Lederhosen. "

However, this little man became very upset when Hilary Lamond explained that she knew a little German, "he is sitting over there." That made him jump up and down like rumplestilskin in sheer anger.

Mr. Bingley, having learned the movie by heart, learned to anticipate when these two scenes were coming up and would run under the couch to hide. But over time he developed a fair amount of anticipatory anxiety simply to the word German.

The little man's other favorite movie was the Princess Bride. He knew the entire thing by heart, and even found ways to integrate Princess Bride quotes into other movies (which irritated his friends to no end).

The little man had an unreasonable fear of Andre the Giant, thinking that if they were ever to meet, Andre would crush him like a little ant. Like Mr. Bingley, the little man developed anticipatory anxiety to every scene with Andre the Giant (which of course whipped Mr. Bingley into a frenzy).

As one might expect, all of this anxiety made it very hard for the little man to watch the Princess Bride, so he tried several pharmacological approaches to soothing his anxiety. None worked and the little man eventually started psychotherapy.

The little man's therapist suggested that while watching the Princess Bride, he be mindful of the fact that Andre the Giant was on the screen and therefore of little danger to the little man's existence. The little man tried very hard, and repeated "concentrate, concentrate" over and over again, with the result that every time he failed he became doubly upset with himself and stomped even more vigorously in frustration.

Being a little person, the Wizard of Oz was both a fascinating and horrible movie in his mind, but he was a great fan of the music. He could listen to the soundtrack for hours on end and dance around the house. In and of itself this was not a bad thing. But the little man was completely lacking in rhythm. He didn't just dance like a straight white man, he flopped and flailed in a completely unpredictable way. In a way that often resulted in Mr. Bingley getting kicked and stepped on. Mr. Bingley's abuse was always accidental and the little man was always apologetic. But whenever the little man would gleefully ask Mr. Bingley's opinion on whether they should listen to the Wizard of Oz soundtrack, Mr. Bingley lost his little dachshund mind.

The little man earned his living as a reseller. He would buy supplies in large quantities and then spend his days on the phone with his customers selling his wares. For reasons unknown to everyone, the little man pronounced the word "gross" in a particularly grating way. It made everyone wince. Which was a problem because he would often purchase his wholesale supplies by the gross. His suppliers repeatedly tried to get the little man to use synonyms when placing his orders, but he never took the hint. Eventually, one by one, each of his suppliers refused to continue working with him. He was forced to close his business and started selling movie memorabilia instead.

His new business thrived although for reasons unknown to him, he had a hard time moving anything related to "Grosse Point Blank" or "Gross Anatomy," but as neither were in high demand his horrible pronunciation of the word gross had little or no impact on the rest of his life. The only remaining artifact of the little man's previous business was Mr. Bingley's habit of freaking out whenever he heard the word.

The End.

Mr. Bingley worries that someday he will lose his status as Dog of Mystery. Mysteriousness is particularly hard to maintain while wearing a bright, cheerful rainjacket, so he may have reason to worry.

His plan? Confusion and bewilderment. Every day, he chooses a word from your conversations to add to his list. Mr. Bingley has a good ear and a long memory, and high hopes for success. The long term plan features such juicy tidbits as 'forgetting' to freak out on days determined by a random number generator, sudden and short-lived joy in the rain and fear of sun, and showing off his unusual tap-dance skills when no one is watching.

I wish Mr. Bingley all success in his endeavours.

In short, in a previous life Mr. Bingley was cursed by a gross German wizard who could not concentrate and, threatening to turn him into Andre the Giant, turned him instead into a neurotic dachsund.

The story belongs to Mr. Bingley, but his paws do not allow him to write or type. Word processing is beyond his (or my) abilities. He is telling his story word by word as you mention them randomly in your daily conversation. His reaction is signaling you to write his story for him. Please be attentive, as he is hoping for publication of this, his first novel.

Anne

FREE BINGLEY

EJ and DG, home �sick,� were worried. Did friends and family suspect? Could they really trust that Mr. Bingley, still smarting over the disappointment of learning that his beloved Andre the Giant secured no political nomination whatsoever, would keep their secret? After his failed attempt to escape (aided by German Harry Potter aficionados using the wizarding pseudonyms �Minerva,� �Aberforth,� and �Moaning Myrtle�), EJ and DG just couldn�t be sure.

�Concentrate!� DG fretted. �If anyone learns that we were actually Palin�s top secret debate coaches at the McCain Ranch, we�re done for. Mr. B almost made it out of the house in that gross raincoat disguise!�

But EJ was suddenly calm. �I got it! I�ll �lose� my cell phone! That way no one will ever be able to get a hold of me ANYWAY and therefore, no one will be able to keep close tabs on us anyway.�

END

Before Mr Bingley became Mr Bingley, he lived a charmed life with a young man who live in dreams. This young man was romantic and longed to meet his Princess Buttercup and would watch such films into the late dark of night. He did not think he was suited to be a farm boy or some dreaded pirate fighting in a far lost land but a great wizard who had the most unusual companion - a giant named Andre. Andre loved anything German and being quite eccentric himself was often at odds with the wizard in the matter of taste. Lost in an enjoyable daydream, the young man would be shockingly roused out of it uttering the word "gross". The now Mr Bingley would bark and nudge, hoping they could go for a walk and hear the latest adventure :)

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